The mystery of happiness

I came across the question 'Do you remember the last time you were truly happy?' and I realised I don't.

When was the last time I was genuinely happy? When was the last time that I laugh with a free mind and no thoughts bogging me? When was the last time I didn't cry myself to sleep?

I thought that I can move on. I thought that incident will make me stronger. But nope. I think that incident actually opened the doors to the emotional me. 

Everything that upsets me in the past, makes me even more upset now. Trivial things that I can brush aside within a day in the past, remains in my head for days and weeks and never left. I hate being the middle party and I realised how unappreciated I am. Everyone tells me their problems with the other person. But no one wants to give in. I am not a fucking problem solver. Just because I was able to resolve that one night does not mean that you can come to me for everything and poof, everything's gonna be ok, Nadiah will solve it all. The pressure is too much. And with all the headstrong characters in the house, I'm just a nobody. When you're happy, everyone's happy. When someone makes you mad, suddenly I'm the same as that person. I'm sick of this. Just one week. That's all I ask. ONE WEEK OF NO PROBLEMS, NO DRAMA. ONE WEEK.

It doesn't help that I have no one to turn to. Every single person that I've been comfortable to share everything with have turned their backs on me. Have pushed me aside because well, there are other people that mattered. I guess I have too much issues for them to handle. And now I'm afraid of opening up to others. What if they leave me too? Is this all there is to my life? Being too attached to a person or a group of people and losing them one after another? Nowadays whenever I want to say something to someone, I'll have these thoughts:

1) Who am I talking to?  

2) Have I shared with them anything before?  

3) What was their reaction?  

4) Have they been there now and then to reassure me everything's gonna be ok?  

5) Will they care about what I'm gonna tell them?  

And in the end, I'll end up telling them just bits and pieces and not everything or nothing at all.  

I've got to say since November 2013, I have been at the lowest point of my life. I'm still holding on to the hope that there is light at the end of that tunnel. That this is just a test to see how strong I am. I'm still holding on to the hope that when I do come out of this rut, I'll be a happier, stronger and confident person who can overcome any challenges that comes upon me.

xx