Relieved beyond words

For the few weeks, I've been dealing with so much grief in me that almost every night ended up with me crying before I go to sleep. I hate being home, I hate being with people sometimes and I only go out and hang out with people to distract myself. Been putting up a front all the time and tried my best to be myself.

We finally talked it out today. Let it out. There were tears, there was anger and I definitely shouted more than I have ever shouted my whole life. It's like letting out 22 years of pent up frustrations in me. I'm never the kind who loses my temper and starts screaming and get physical with people. So this was definitely the first that I have ever been the way I was. I think even my mum was shocked. But at the end of it all, everyone hugged and apologised.

I have no idea whether this will be the start of good days or today will just be temporary. But what I've got to say is, I'm relieved. Relieved that everyone knows how everyone else feels about them. Relieved that my dad, my sister and my mum was willing to talk it out. They were not for it at first but I decided I had to settle it today once and for all and I'm glad I did. I couldn't imagine this hostility and hatred going on for another day.

One thing that came out from this dreadful episode of my life was knowing that I have friends who truly cares for me. Who are willing to come all the way to meet me just so that they can be there for me. For that I am blessed and I am thankful. Though I can't help but feeling sad that these friends are not who I expected them to be. I expected others to be there for me but they proved me wrong. I guess our friendship means nothing to them at all.

Thank you Farrah for coming to meet me at 12 am when I truly feel like breaking down. I did teared in the train and I was trying to hold back my tears the whole way home. Thank you for all the words of encouragement and the support and entertaining me the whole night when I was home. And thank you for being there for me today and offering to come to meet me when I was all alone at my void deck crying and preparing myself before I went home.

Thank you Jack for entertaining me through the night. Even though you don't know what happened and it just so happens that there was a match and you must have been actively talking to Farrah thus replying to me and you spent half the time talking about another guy but yeah I really appreciate the company.

Thank you Wing for the text of encouragement. I never expected one from you and I definitely appreciate it. Your words of support definitely made me believe that it is possible after all. Although we don't see each other now, you are definitely a friend to keep.

Thank you Raihana for offering to meet me as well today. And the encouraging text you sent me. I know that I can count on you for support.

Thank you Yanping for being the only one that I'm actually close with to ask me about what's happening. Maybe you're the only one who reads my tweets. But thank you, I really appreciate it.

Thank you Kouri and probably my other colleagues who covered my shift today just because I want to be here for my family. I have no idea what happened or who covered my shift but I'm thankful that I was given the day off. And your prayers and encouragement meant so much as well.

Thank you Elvin for always checking up on me and asking me what's wrong whenever I'm feeling down. You're the only one who actually asked me about my dad after he got hospitalised. And I never expected you to be one of my source of encouragement for the past few months that we have been talking. I am really thankful.

So blessed to have these few friends who have shown me love that I never thought I will receive. Like I said probably every single one of them was unexpected and its even more heartening.

Right now my iTunes is playing The Climb by Miley Cyrus and the lyrics is so relatable right now.

"There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose."

"The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking."

I will be stronger. And I will be as level headed and as sensible as I can be. And I will never ever ever lose my temper cuz I know the consequences of it. I believe that I will grow from this and I hope that my family will too.

xx