How much is it worth?

Recently I've realized that I'm a person with so many needs and expectations. Especially towards friendship. Sad to say, there is not one of my closest friend whom I've never been pissed off with at one point of time. Which is worrying isn't it? And honestly almost 22 years of my life and I have no one that I can call my best friend. Someone who is there for me when I need them and someone who will not judge me from my past and my behaviour, who accepts me for who I am.

My pet peeve about meeting up with friends has always been the same. When they are cancelled or changed last minute. Honestly, I'm the kind of person who would rather go out, have some fun rather than stay at home. So whenever a plan is cancelled and I have to stay at home, I'll feel so bummed out. And right now, I may not be the busiest person on earth but I do have more than one thing in my schedule. And I am the kind who gets excited about plans. Yes, I get excited when I'm meeting my friends. So to have them say last minute that they couldn't when everything has been settled just makes me so disappointed. Plus when I plan, I make sure that it doesn't clash with anything and I take note of my plans all the time. Is that so hard to do? 

It has not only happened with one group of friends but multiple ones. And sometimes when I place so much importance in my schedule and yet others don't care about it, I'll think to myself: Am I not worth it? Am I not worth their time? Am I not an important friend to them? 

Its more saddening especially when they are the people whom I think I can rely on. Whom at one point of time I thought that they can be my good friends. But now I think again. All these people whom I've placed so much importance in, do they feel the same way about me? Or am I just another person that they can talk to and hang out with. 

I hate being taken for granted. Sure I may be forgiving and act as if everything's fine after I rant it all out. But no. I'm petty that way. I get affected by really minor details and I always expect people to treat me the way I treat them.

I may not be the best person to express any empathy. I may not be a very affectionate person. I suck in care and concern. And I get extremely possessive over my friends. But all I ask for is for them to truly realise that meeting up with them is important to me. I could have gone to work, I could have asked another person to hang out with me, heck I could have stayed home to watch my shows or sleep. But nope. I didn't. I made plans with you because I want to. But when you say no and after that realised you already have prior plans and DO NOT make any effort to reschedule, obviously I will be hurt. And to do it repeatedly? I'll be a mannequin if I do not feel any hurt at all. 

Maybe my expectations for friends are higher. And maybe my friendships are all on the surface kind of thing. I don't know. Or maybe its just karma for being a horrible person. But I always wonder time and again. Who are my friends. When I die, who are the people that will genuinely cry for losing me? I know this may seem an exaggeration but really, walking home alone just now, I was thinking who should I text to talk, who should I text to just meetup for awhile. No one came to mind. No one.

For now, no more taking initiative. No more. They want to meet me, they'll talk to me. I guess I'll see how many weeks will go by as a loner. Only going to school, work and home. Kbye.

xx