A lot has happened since I last blogged. And its really been ages. I've been sporadically typing parts of this entry as and when the mood comes in my ever trusty PlainText (an app). I guess this post will only see the light of Blogger when the mood to lay out my thoughts to the public came back.
I finally ended work in GE. Not a bad feeling but not a good one either. Its bittersweet. So much has happened within almost of year. All the people I met and finding out stuffs about myself that I never knew. And after almost a year, it was just awkward goodbyes for me. No parting gifts and no lingering adieu. That will suffice for me. I'm glad to finally get my weekdays back; its been liberating, basking in the indolence at home. Aside from saying this, I feel a sense of melancholy. Knowing that I'll drift apart from this. I never knew how how to continue friendships or relationships after the journey ends. I never was in touch with old friends or colleagues for long. I have few friends at each point of my life. I've always thought, life goes on. We have to move on and not dwell about the past. Thus my habit of not reconnecting.
And soon, I'll have to embark on another journey of my life. And I'll be turning 21 soon. Yes, very soon. I feel a modicum of uncertainty. Is there a need to look forward to the day I turn 21? Its just another day after all. No birthday parties and no celebrations that I've planned. I guess I just don't want to put my friends on a spot of what to get me since gifts are mandatory if there's celebrations. I've been through that trouble and I shall not do it to others. I just hope to be happy. To be able to smile and laugh freely and know that (some) people do care.
Tomorrow (I wrote this portion on the 12th of August), the people I know are starting their university life. I'm envious that they're starting earlier. And them to me. But I guess I could do with the extra weeks. I'm excited though I could feel an iota of nervousness. I always feel nervous. For everything. This will be a totally new experience, a totally new dynamics which I have never set foot in. Communications, Journalism, Public Relations. Am I up to it? I sure hope so. This 2 years degree is costing a grotesque sum of money so I sure do hope that it will work out. I just hope that I'll have people that I can interact well with and that I'll thoroughly enjoy whatever that's on the plate for me.
It saddens me sometimes how I expect so much from others. But I feel justified for my expectations since I've always tried my best to be nice. I'm scared to lose my friends. Always. So I do try. But I guess, its just not enough. I'm not worthy of some people's friendships. I guess life's like that. You can never get what you truly want and you can only covet. I've always had the inferiority complex and yes, like a typical Leo (though I'm a Leo-Virgo cusp), I need compliments to boost myself. And honestly, people around me have not been any help with this inferior thing lately.
So, below are just the few people that has impacted me thus far. Mostly negatively, I do note. (An afterthought: This list started off with just 2 people. It has expanded impressively over time.)
To you. I thought we were close. I thought we were good friends. You always do the double standard thing with me and I brushed it aside. I may have even mistaken it for a slight infatuation. But I guess I was wrong. All this time, it probably means nothing to you. I don't even measure up as a friend anymore. All this time you telling me about her, asking me about her, have I brushed you aside? But everytime I mentioned about him, you get all touche and cold. Why? Was I not being a good friend? Now that you've got me replaced, are you happy now? Honestly, I like you. I like you as a friend rather than more than that. Cuz it means that I'll know you. You'll tell me everything. And I like that. But I guess you don't. I miss your htht chats/talks with me. Me giving you advice and opinions. I must not have been up to par with your expectations then. I guess my life, my stories, me, are just not interesting at all. So I guess it ends here. I'm done trying to join back the bond that we had. I feel discarded and thrown and unappreciated. Goodbye, my friend. May you have a jolly good time in uni and may you be happy with all the rest of your friends.
To you. I thought we had a connection. All those conversations, it doesn't mean anything to you I guess. Haven't you thought that maybe I know we cannot work but maybe we can be friends? Do I even give you any indication that I'm interested in you; other than the fact that I always whatsapp you? So aren't you thinking too much? Weeks of continuous talking. Is it all just polite talking then? All this while the hahas and the lols are all fake? I'm done trying. I hate your hot and cold replies. I don't want to talk to someone who gives me mediocre replies. So goodbye, my friend. May you have a fruitful 3 years over there. And I hope I'll never see you again.
To you. I thought you were my friend. A close friend at that. But why do I feel like I'm made used of? Seems like you've thrown me aside now that you've got it all. No need to whatsapp Nadiah anymore, I've got nothing to say to her already. Why do I feel like you have the best of both worlds? You have my friends and you have your friends as well. So where does that leaves me? All this time I made it easy for you to be accepted. I pathed the friendships that you have now as you're my friend and I don't want you to feel left out. But what have you done to me? Knowing exactly how I feel and disregarding me. You knew everything. And you encouraged me even? Don't you know that it hurts? Him with another person, its fine. But with you? Its a whole different matter. I may look fine. But honestly, can't you tell? I don't hate you, you're still a dear friend of mine. But nowadays you keep giving me reasons to dislike you. So no, I'm not stepping into the bitchy path that I left behind. My only wish is for the sake of our friendship, keep my secret and do not backstab me. I won't like that at all. Everything I am or can do, you can be or do better, I'm fully aware. For now, I'll smile, cuz that's the only thing that I can do.
To you and you. I'm thankful that I have the both of you. Although neither of you know exactly how I'm feeling, I'm thankful enough. For you to stick by me for so long. And for you to listen to my endless complains and fickle mindedness. I'm thankful and I love you both.
To you. I thought you said that I was your closest girl friend. Someone that you can talk to. Someone whom you won't feel awkward with. And after that our conversations on whatsapp have been interesting. But why the sudden halt? Suddenly its like our friendship was gone. Its like it never exists in first place. Why? Kinda after that night. Your replies were short and no longer friendly. But nothing happened. I only held you in my arms that night. I guess our friendship means nothing you. So goodbye, enjoy your university times.
And to you. Sad to say, you're not out of my mind. Its been a long time since we last chatted. And I wonder whether you remembered me. Whatever happened to all those promises that you'll be coming for me. That I'm the best girl for you? That I comfort you in ways that you never thought anyone can? Well, it may be my fault. I may be the one who didn't reply last. But to think that no more effort is made on your side, its disappointing.
I don't know whether anyone will be reading this. And let's just say this is my rant. My thoughts, my feelings, my soliloquy all laid out in pure layman terms. I doubt anyone mentioned above will be able to relate and know that I'm talking about them since they are obtuse enough to not have sensed it from me.
My days of indolence at home are numbered. But then again I have not exactly been lazing around. Cleaning the house on your own is no joke. One of the many reasons why I'm dreading Raya. There's so many things to do yet no one's helping. And I can't possibly sit around waiting for a Fairy Godmother. So yeah its been solo cleaning for me. Though today (15th August), I took a break. I finished watching Big and all aired episodes of Running Man and I just finished Episode 1 of Rooftop Prince which I'll continue watching for the rest of the night. And thanks to torrents, I have Love Rain, Fashion King after that lined up. Cleaning of the house can wait, for tomorrow.
Well, I think this will be a mad long post. Again, this is typed as my planned ending before I typed the full contents of this. Oh well, its been too long since I've last blogged anyway. So yeah, read away (if there still are readers). And maybe I'll come back soon (or later or much much later).
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