Soliloquy

I always wish to be a better person. Who doesn't? I know I tried and there may be little change from who I am 5 years ago but its not enough. And I've got to say, yes, little. I wonder how everyone else are able to do it. While I can't and I end up hating myself after that. I know I can never be the perfect little girl that everyone love and adore. I know I can be irritating, horrible, annoying and whatever nonsense. But it hurts when the love, care and concern I show is not reciprocated. And fuck its hard for me to show this kind of thing. I won't say it unless I mean it.

If I say I care means I do. If I say I love you means I really do. Even when I hug you I have my ways to show whether I mean it or not.

Sometimes, when this happens I just wish to hide in a corner, keep to myself and don't care whatever shit that is happening. Yes, I can keep my mouth shut if I want to. But I ask myself, do I really want to walk that path again? Do I really want to go around making enemies again? And lose my friends one by one?


I guess I just have to be strong. Giving and not receiving might hurt but being hated, being hateful and being alone is worse.


Only one person have lasted so long with me. I don't know how you bear with me. My friends seem to not stay but you did and I appreciate that. And yes, I know my change may not be significant all these years. 10 years and still counting :) You know I love you even though we might have drifted now and then. 

And you know who you are. <3

Okay sorry not being some emo shit or what. Just thinking. Soliloquy.

Okay don't cry :) BYE. HEHEHEHHEHEHE.
PS: Maybe that split personality thing is true after all. Hmm.